God Exists and He Is Good

I’m on my hands and knees like a feckless fuckup, feeling around for something I’ve lost. I’m not sure what I’m looking for until I hear someone say: this chick dropped her phone. 

I’ve dropped my phone. Of course.

His friends begin to echo him.

She’s dropped her phone. She’s dropped her phone. She’s dropped her phone.

I spot it underneath the sole of someone’s sneaker.

The sneaker is squishing my precious slice of space gray into smithereens. Intent to kill. Oh, you want your phone? They are laughing at me. My suffering delights them. My suffering delights them because they hate me. They hate me because I am a feeler, and they hate feelers here.

I resurface with my phone in my hand. Not a single scratch. But they had stomped on it. Hadn’t they? Hadn’t they?

I’m looking around for my people when I come face to face with a woman who looks exactly like Hayden Panettierre if Hayden Panettierre were ugly. Are you gonna stay, or are you gonna go? She screams at my face in a thick, Jersey accent. Bad attitude. She pushes past me as if I were a cancerous tumor. Her hatred hurts me—puts me in pain—yet I relish the feeling, for I am madly in love with being alive. 

I’ve lost my people, but I’ve found a bleary-eyed blonde whose beautifully-tanned arms feel even softer than they look. Smooth as silk, warm as wonder.

I love you, she shouts at the space between my eyeballs. I love you!

Fake fake fake. I need to get away from this mockery of affection. Dishonesty disturbs me, but I know I deserve it. This is what I get for touching strangers. Don’t touch strangers. All humans, including strangers, are to be treated with respect, and that entails being polite and helpful when needed, but otherwise keeping entirely to oneself. Whoever proclaimed, “grab them by the pussy” what not in a clear state of mind. He was not enlightened at all!  

I’ve made it to the center of everything, when it hits me: an epiphany like no other. If I put my right hand on my left arm, and my left hand on my right arm, and squeeze very hard, I can experience all the joy and warmth in the world without any consequences. I am all I need.

The beat drops, making my ear drums orgasm. I did not know my ear drums were such sexual creatures. The lights look pretty, but I close my eyes and squeeze myself because the pleasure is coming from within. Pure happiness floods my cells. The air tastes so amazing, I could die.

I could die in this moment and be perfectly content, because God exists, and he loves me unconditionally. 

I’ve never before experienced such certainty. I hate writing because it forces me to make order out of disorder, to craft stories out of randomness. 

But this moment is not random. This moment is God’s will. God has made my body holy because He loves me. His goodness is undeniable. 

Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God (1 John 4:7). 

I didn’t know they rolled in Biblical times.

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